Saturday, 19 January 2013

Cuttlefish








I'm having a gay old time in Cardiff with my brother-wonder S, but thought I'd share some Sepia with you good folks of the internet, (working on the Canada-Wales-Hong Kong post, bear with me!) I can't find all my old Polaroid scans on here (on my mactop), so, looking for some of S, I remembered this corner of the web. Have a looksy and hopefully like what you see.
Enjoy your weekends invisibles.



Thursday, 17 January 2013

Ondule


I took this using Photobooth, on November 15th 2009 apparently, sounds about right, we'd just moved into Pell Street in Swansea, right next door (attached) to Dynevor campus, Swansea. I'd recently cut my hair into a fringe, a big step for me, after breaking up with my first ever boyfriend. I was 19. I felt good that day. J always makes me laugh somehow, even when he's not trying, he manages to raise a smile, he's one of those infuriating people you can't help but love, even in the midst of disagreement, I don't know how to explain it, he's just good inside (and he's going to appreciate such wording).


Winter Sun, 15/11/09


I'm writing this because I feel good this morning, not elated, I'm wary of my occasional almost hyper-elation, for empty is it. I just feel good, not all-singing all-dancing fantastico, but good. Like an ok person. Sure I'm still bothered about not being able to find a job, and worried about not looking good enough on my CV for employers, but I am good enough in person, so there! I'm hoping to get to Cardiff today, I'm in the Ystradgynlais Job Centre Plus at 13.50, and afterwards I'm hoping to hop on a First Cymru bus to Swansea, then on a First Great Western train to das capital. I haven't seen S for ages, Christmas, New Years, Job-searching, Birthdays (and feeling like shit) all side-tracked me somewhat. Well no longer, I want to visit my best friend!



I used to take photos on a real camera, and S used to make beautiful work for Uni, 15/12/09 .



I've been thinking recently again of making little scraps of 'work', words, images, and all the marks in between, with my pARTner in crime (ha!, terrible). In my mental wanderings I've been re-visiting more stable times in my recent past, adult months where I've been ok. I realized that I'm usually back in Pell Street, with S, and sometimes J. He moved out sometime in 2010 I think, May possibly. He'd graduated SMU already, and had been living in the house before we moved in, so for him it was time for a change. We missed him, despite his constant kitchen presence in the face of our often wanting to be alone (sometimes alone together S and I, sometimes actual alone).



S and J swap shirts. 21/11/09



Since returning to Wales and letting J know of it (he's still in HK, loving life), he's been really good at raising my spirits via iMessage. We sometimes share pictures of things we've seen and such like. I so enjoy receiving photographs of people's days, people I love that is, sharing things, that I asked for a photo in the morning and a photo in the evening, for a sort of blog. Me here, he there (and potentially Alex and Iona in Canada), a small AM and PM slice of our bi (or tri!) continental lives. Well for Mr. Goals galore (J has always got ideals and projects he's working towards, health, fitness, language, learning the Piano at present, and I have to admire him for it) two photos a day at specific times was too great an ask, so we're set on a photo a day. 


Code Unknown.

J took this in his room in Pell, he used to be fascinated by the effort and concentration on my face when applying make-up. Back then I used to co-ordinate colours from my clothing to shades of my shadow. My mac tells me this file was created 23/09/09. But I think it more like Winter 08. Perhaps he just sent it me later. Maybe he can enlighten me, but I suspect it's long gone from his (long gone)  hard drive.


26/02/10, Plantasia.

Again I'm not so sure on the date that Mac provides, It could well have been a trip to Plantasia for S's birthday. I recall it possibly being a first birthday spent in Swansea for a few years for S, and so possibly we ventured to another habitat for the day. It was my first time there. I miss those little plaits S would make in my hair while we'd watch a studio Ghibli film, or an episode of Pokemon. We'd eat whatever cereal was on offer at the time, or drink tea through whatever chocolatey wafer was reduced price. Man, fine were the times when Fox's classic were half price. We weren't different people, we were troubled with depressive minds, infuriating ones at Uni, and a little 'without hope' really. But we had each other, and I guess for me that was my hope, my security. A real friend - to be ok with.


26/02/10


Anywho, I'm writing this because I'm longing for those times we'd venture somewhere on a whim, I'd play around with a camera I didn't know how to use, S would (unknowingly) be the best model anyone could hope for. There was never a worry of "how am I going to make this count for something?" or "I should be doing real work, not having fun". As it happened, now I realize, most of my so-called 'real' uni work was born of the images of such times. Here for example I sort of realized that I used to make collages and montages (assemblage we liked to jokingly refer to it as, collage was somehow taboo) from our image-likenesses. My degree show work ended up being stills taken on my iphone that I happened to catch on many a wandering walk. I suppose my point is that when we intend to make things 'real', to invent meaning and 'proper' work, we usually fail. Organic, therapeutic and good-time 'making' on the other hand, has provided us with some of the most beautiful accidents. I want us to put on collar and tie, odd hats and tails, bracelets of string and little boys t-shirts, and wander around not worrying what people mutter about. Make funny noises and strange faces, pretend we're in films, be ok with being alive, even in our fantasy land. I want to scribble things down again without shuddering at their sentiment, to arrange cut-up photos and go wild with ink, and why not, it's only us who stand in our way.
I see things like this and I'm bursting with possibility and pride.



Awake and alive with Wonder. I hope I hold on to this, Wonder.




By the way, this is one of my songs of 2012, I don't even mind if you dislike it, it makes me happy and it makes me feel 'ok'. 



It is a shame, I never feel the same




Monday, 14 January 2013

Helen's Herbert




He saw a curious succession of lighted windows, between which jutted the intermediary back premises, scullery and outhouse, in dark little blocks. It was something like the keyboard of piano: more still, like a succession of musical notes. For the rectangular planes of light were of different intensities, some bright and keen, some soft, warm, like candle-light, and there was one surface of pure red light, one or two were almost invisible, dark green. So the long scale of lights seemed to trill across the darkness, now bright, now dim, swelling and sinking. The effect was strange. And thus the whole private life of street was threaded in lights, there was a sense of indecent exposure, from so many backs. p. 51







'Why do you eat so much?' 'I've got to feed up' 'but hunks of bread won't feed you up.' 'Gives the stomach something to work at, and prevents it grinding on the nerves.' 'Surely you don't want to keep your stomach always full and heavy'. 'I do, my boy, I do. It needs keeping solid. I'm losing life if I don't, I tell you I'm losing life. Let me put something inside me.' p. 95







But what's the good of going to Malta, shall you be any different in yourself, in another place? You'll be the same there as you are here.
How am I here?
Why you're all the time grinding yourself against something inside you. You're never free. You're never content. You never stop chafing.
Perhaps I don't.
Then what's the use of going somewhere else. You won't change yourself.
I may in the end.
You'll be yourself whether it's Malta or London.

There's a doom for me. p. 126






Saturday, 3 November 2012

Lights; in the rooms of our nights.






















































Some may be familiar with this, that I staged an escape from familiarity some time this summer. July, a world and numerous journeys away. In honesty it was the age old, flight from oneself, neither possible nor even desirable. Better to reflect and accept than deflect, deflect - defect.

Craving culture and newness, finding less than expected, but not looking correctly. 

I now think of the eyes of others and the things that stopped my own. On the way to Poland, and around it a little, so many stops, reasons to go. Images, pictures, paintings, icons, all of that, I have to unashamedly say, looking over the images in this post, fills me with some kind of great feeling, comfort and joy. Maybe that the eyes of others have lingered on such that mine would also, brings some of that belonging that I'm so desperate for. I think something like this.

These quadrangles of beauty are all paintings and drawings for the most part, I'll give a little run-through of probably important details now, where I can remember they fit. These were accumulated over 4 months, in as many and more cities and museums. Though these are mostly from the Galerie d'Ixelles in Brussels and the WM Warszawa, the former seeming quite small but full of sights, the latter flooded with imagery of Poland's painted past (sadly the 20th Century painting wing was closed at the time of my visit).


The first is only included as a visual preamble into the path of my looking eyes. I look at me, she looks away, I'm always looking at/for something of myself in the works of others, and maybe when I think I see it, I get to like it, I don't know too much, I know this to be true to a degree, but there are very many levels and mechanisms at work behind the eyes which decide what and how much we sympathize with in the works and behaviors of other humans. It's quiet and quite lovely. Additionally, as the beginning it goes fine with the ending (painted by Antonio Santin) of a female twisted slightly under the force of my gaze, empowered by the fact that I can't tell if she's holding mine, or looking further afield, how that look always overshadows the looked at, eh.

For the most part I'm more comfortable in the company of depopulated images, half-lights and obliques. Why should that be? I have many infant theories, another time perhaps.

The second is Ukrainian night during a winter, painted in Oils in the late 1877 I think, by Josef
Chelmonski.

The third, Swans in the Saski garden in Warsaw by night by Josef Pankiewicz, again in oil, probably around 1896. Four and five are also Pankiewicz.

Chelmonski again at six, painted in 1906, eight years before his death. Titled I think, Moonlight night.

Seventh is Rewizia nocna (which translates directly as revision of the night), painted in 1872 at the hand of Maksymilian Gierymski.

Adrian Joseph Heymans made the eighth image in the latter part of the 19th Century, it's called Bos bij maanlicht (something like woods, trees or forest in the moonlight I'd guess).

Ninth is Leon Spilliaert with Nuit made in 1908.

Tenth and eleventh are two paintings by Konrad Krzyzanowski, the first called Przy blasku świecy (roughly, by the light of the candle), the second simply Pokoj, or room, from 1902.

Twelfth on the list is a recent painting by Arkadiusz Karapuda.

Thirteen, fourteen fifteen and sixteen are all contemporary paintings by the artist Bert de Beul. All zonder titel.

[Seventeen eludes me at this point]

Eighteen has to be Rene Magritte.

Nineteen through twenty-two are the work of german artist EVOL, all made this century, very recently, all on found cardboard marked with spray paint.

Jenny Brillhart's brilliant Vagabond is twenty third, also a recent work. Twenty four is also her doing.

Now I must sleep, soon to an empty room!














Saturday, 11 August 2012

Polaroids to Piekary (Belgium, Holland, Germany, Poland)

Brussels (17/07/12)


     
Brussels (18/07/12)


Amsterdam (19/07/12)
Amsterdam (20/07/12)
Amsterdam (21/07/12)
Amsterdam (22/07/12)
Berlin (23/07/12)
Berlin (24/07/12)
Berlin (25/07/12)
Berlin (26/07/12)
Opole (27/07/12)
Kazimierza Wielkiego (28/07/12)