Ondule

I took this using Photobooth, on November 15th 2009 apparently, sounds about right, we'd just moved into Pell Street in Swansea, right next door (attached) to Dynevor campus, Swansea. I'd recently cut my hair into a fringe, a big step for me, after breaking up with my first ever boyfriend. I was 19. I felt good that day. J always makes me laugh somehow, even when he's not trying, he manages to raise a smile, he's one of those infuriating people you can't help but love, even in the midst of disagreement, I don't know how to explain it, he's just good inside (and he's going to appreciate such wording).

Winter Sun, 15/11/09

I'm writing this because I feel good this morning, not elated, I'm wary of my occasional almost hyper-elation, for empty is it. I just feel good, not all-singing all-dancing fantastico, but good. Like an ok person. Sure I'm still bothered about not being able to find a job, and worried about not looking good enough on my CV for employers, but I am good enough in person, so there! I'm hoping to get to Cardiff today, I'm in the Ystradgynlais Job Centre Plus at 13.50, and afterwards I'm hoping to hop on a First Cymru bus to Swansea, then on a First Great Western train to das capital. I haven't seen S for ages, Christmas, New Years, Job-searching, Birthdays (and feeling like shit) all side-tracked me somewhat. Well no longer, I want to visit my best friend!

I used to take photos on a real camera, and S used to make beautiful work for Uni, 15/12/09 .

I've been thinking recently again of making little scraps of 'work', words, images, and all the marks in between, with my pARTner in crime (ha!, terrible). In my mental wanderings I've been re-visiting more stable times in my recent past, adult months where I've been ok. I realized that I'm usually back in Pell Street, with S, and sometimes J. He moved out sometime in 2010 I think, May possibly. He'd graduated SMU already, and had been living in the house before we moved in, so for him it was time for a change. We missed him, despite his constant kitchen presence in the face of our often wanting to be alone (sometimes alone together S and I, sometimes actual alone).

S and J swap shirts. 21/11/09

Since returning to Wales and letting J know of it (he's still in HK, loving life), he's been really good at raising my spirits via iMessage. We sometimes share pictures of things we've seen and such like. I so enjoy receiving photographs of people's days, people I love that is, sharing things, that I asked for a photo in the morning and a photo in the evening, for a sort of blog. Me here, he there (and potentially Alex and Iona in Canada), a small AM and PM slice of our bi (or tri!) continental lives. Well for Mr. Goals galore (J has always got ideals and projects he's working towards, health, fitness, language, learning the Piano at present, and I have to admire him for it) two photos a day at specific times was too great an ask, so we're set on a photo a day. 

Code Unknown.

J took this in his room in Pell, he used to be fascinated by the effort and concentration on my face when applying make-up. Back then I used to co-ordinate colours from my clothing to shades of my shadow. My mac tells me this file was created 23/09/09. But I think it more like Winter 08. Perhaps he just sent it me later. Maybe he can enlighten me, but I suspect it's long gone from his (long gone)  hard drive.

26/02/10, Plantasia.

Again I'm not so sure on the date that Mac provides, It could well have been a trip to Plantasia for S's birthday. I recall it possibly being a first birthday spent in Swansea for a few years for S, and so possibly we ventured to another habitat for the day. It was my first time there. I miss those little plaits S would make in my hair while we'd watch a studio Ghibli film, or an episode of Pokemon. We'd eat whatever cereal was on offer at the time, or drink tea through whatever chocolatey wafer was reduced price. Man, fine were the times when Fox's classic were half price. We weren't different people, we were troubled with depressive minds, infuriating ones at Uni, and a little 'without hope' really. But we had each other, and I guess for me that was my hope, my security. A real friend - to be ok with.

26/02/10

Anywho, I'm writing this because I'm longing for those times we'd venture somewhere on a whim, I'd play around with a camera I didn't know how to use, S would (unknowingly) be the best model anyone could hope for. There was never a worry of "how am I going to make this count for something?" or "I should be doing real work, not having fun". As it happened, now I realize, most of my so-called 'real' uni work was born of the images of such times. Here for example I sort of realized that I used to make collages and montages (assemblage we liked to jokingly refer to it as, collage was somehow taboo) from our image-likenesses. My degree show work ended up being stills taken on my iphone that I happened to catch on many a wandering walk. I suppose my point is that when we intend to make things 'real', to invent meaning and 'proper' work, we usually fail. Organic, therapeutic and good-time 'making' on the other hand, has provided us with some of the most beautiful accidents. I want us to put on collar and tie, odd hats and tails, bracelets of string and little boys t-shirts, and wander around not worrying what people mutter about. Make funny noises and strange faces, pretend we're in films, be ok with being alive, even in our fantasy land. I want to scribble things down again without shuddering at their sentiment, to arrange cut-up photos and go wild with ink, and why not, it's only us who stand in our way.

I see things like this and I'm bursting with possibility and pride.

Awake and alive with Wonder. I hope I hold on to this, Wonder.

By the way, this is one of my songs of 2012, I don't even mind if you dislike it, it makes me happy and it makes me feel 'ok'. 

It is a shame, I never feel the same