Tuesday, 30 June 2015

"Hope You(')r(e) Managing Well With The Workload"

I added a normal, friendly birthday brick on the "wall".

All such innocuous platitudinal lines were "liked" bar mine. 

I sent S a message to say I had looked.
I shouldn't have bothered her with my look but I did.
Really I shouldn't (have) look(ed).

Maybe S thought I was drunk.
I could well have been.
I wasn't though.

First Post

She understands it. I love her.

Ah, all that felt deflating, so, no more looking.

I wonder what that mechanism is though, the sensation, physical, real, that reacts to such stimulus.
What's the weight, the pang just above abdomen, almost in the chest, when the thought crosses the mind? "He didn't want me"...

What purpose does that reaction serve? That wave that could break you.

The scent of panic.

He didn't want you.

Hopeful notes


There is nothing you can do to alter the fact that you weren't enough for a person you wanted to be enough for.

The irretrievably lost.

A deep, deep disappointment.

You have to physically shrug it off.
Up Helen Doesn't Look Down...
There is nothing you can do.
Nothing will cut it.
Cutting wills not.

Osi (dear-departed ex-lecturer) said words (on drawing)to the effect of; kid, everything you do in this life is a failure, you just have to keep trying and become more successful with your failings.

Well Os, that was a cracker!
(Ill-Drawn out)Intensely condensed, canned like milk soon to be evaporated.

I'm ok though, really, I'm a decent one.

I received this recently, after thanking her for sticking by me all these years, from that much loved S; "You're easier to love than you seem to think brah so no thanks necessary."

Last Post

Earlier (around this time), from another fine human I've had the pleasure of knowing, this;

The way I remember you, you're a person of two extremes, your lows seem to be characterised by being as hard on others as you are on yourself. In your highs you're so breathtakingly delightful that I loved in a matter of days. Up Helen is more than worth Down Helen for those who have the emotional resilience to support themselves and you through the bleak times.

Everything is "ok".
It's not the end of anything.

Notwithstanding, I feel...

Never again.


Sunday, 21 June 2015

Cariad Mawr

It has been a difficult time for the family of late, but, in all that, he remains someone everyone relies on. 
I have a feeling he knows how much I love him. 
Happy Father's day dad.



(Everything that has been leads to now.)

Picking up where I left off; here, Mayday, here are my visuals from the month of June, last year. 
It helps me, to sort, to distort, time, always this time, getting the better of me and of you.

Mayday was almost two months ago, I had only just returned from Brussels, late the evening before, all that madness. In between there was so much feeling!

I am amazed I'm ok.

Now, today, it's the longest day of the year... I managed to mark it with a 6 mile jog, receiving parting post from Ibrahim, and writing one to him, plus, of course, this humble post.

The specifics of what pained me last year have passed.

What hurts this week, might hurt less next. That is something to concentrate on. Rather than detrimental "should"s and "could"s.

Time, come on then you little bugger!

Tuesday 3rd June 2014 - Walk to and picnic in Mumbles with Joaninha (Ladybird)

There was a week or so in June 2014, where I had this crazy bout of sickness, light-headed, low blood pressure, it sort of rolled on from the chest infection of the last days at Nero, and turned in to a more debilitating thing. 
After spending that (beauteous) Tuesday with Jo in Mumbles, and planning to visit her the following week in Cardiff for a picnic in Bute park (her favourite place in the city), the infection worsened, becoming an UTI infection possibly due to my dehydrated, general "run-down-ness", and I was bed-bound for more than a week, subsiding on orange calypos and guava juice. 
I had amazingly vivid febrile dreams.
I wrote a little about it; here.

I never saw Jo again.

When I got a little strength back Tim took me out into the sun, one day we had a lovely picnic and swim in Llangennith, an empty weekday, and another we strolled a little while in Rhossili too, before picking up chips in town and eating them on a breezy hill away from the sun-worshipers at sea's side.

 At some point, in the last week of June I think (photos are film so there's no "date stamp" or GPS coordinates, fancy that!), we went to Angle in Pembrokeshire, to stay with my dad in the caravan and help out with stuff down there. It wasn't a long trip, a couple of days, but we went out onto the sea in vessels, and, the sun shone on us there too.

I am so grateful to Tim and all he did for us last year. It wasn't an easy year, lots of illnesses and little employment. He took good care of me and for the most part, being an easy going sort of fella, his good spirits often helped me gain perspective of the simpler things in life, without getting so down on myself, all of the time.

I can't believe it's been a whole year.
Jo has a baby girl now.
I have a decent job.
Living in Cardiff.
With Soph.

Even so,
Thank you Timothy.

Tuesday 17th June 2014 - Port Talbot - ish


Wednesday 18th June 2014

Friday 20th June 2014

Saturday 21st June 2014 - Rhossili - Fairwood - Pontardawe (unknown hilltop)

Angle - Day One

Angle - Day Two - Freshwater West, the ocean

Friday 27th June 2014 - Ystradgynlais, post job interview in Brecon, pre Malta packing! 
I didn't get the job, but, I look happy. I also look a little like a stranger. Sadistically, I'm envious of that slightly sickness-slimmed face. That little monkey travelled, the following day, to Malta, with some amazing women.
Next Saturday, the 27th June 2015, Ibrahim's birthday, those amazing women and I are going to Minorca. That will help.
Thanks ladies.