(Sunday September the 22nd, I went to London for a long weekend at the beginning of May, almost 5 months ago now, I compiled these photos a month after returning, then begun writing some time after that, it's taken months and I still don't know what I'm doing with it, It seems lame to publish now, especially since it would make my 100th post, that feels like a significant landmark, but today I feel sad, restless, melancholy, like reaching out but don't know what for. So here it all is I guess...)
At the beginning of the month(as with the beginning of last month, April), I spent the bank holiday weekend away from Denbigh. I hadn't seen M for about a month, so I decided to venture down to London for a visit, to stay in touch with a wonderful human (much needed!) and remind myself what "civilization" was/is. On the evening of Thursday the 2nd of May I took the train from Rhyl to Euston. Arriving after 10, it was still good to feel a city beating.
|Young fella who looked exactly like Walter Jr. from Braking Bad, Rhyl.|
|The best wake-up in ages!Neasden.|
|I woke early before Mat, so helped myself to a cuppa.|
|Regent's park, my first visit, and the first pleasant sun of the year!|
|Charity Shop gems.|
|Spinach soup from Food for Thought.|
|Another park salad!|
|Reason to live #52, Mathieu Kassovitz is also alive!|
|Park in the Dark|
|Another promising start!|
|Sheltered Vegan food, Southbank food fest|
|pretty graphics courtesy of Paul Catherall|
|Beautiful twilight in Camden|
|Before and after, one is hopeful and happy to be alive, one is a dejected Robbie Coltrane, all cried out and sleep deprived.|
|St John's Wood|
|Vegan Sunday lunch (thank you Spittalfields!)|
|Good morning Hammersmith!|
|Asian Otters in Barnes|
|Central London House, a giant home for ancient Egyptian demi-gods.?|
|Train back north!|
As you can maybe tell, this post has been lodged in the drafts folder for an age, well, over a month, and I'd begun captioning and mentioning little trivia, but I can't bring myself to go into those details here and now. It was such a crazy weekend, emotionally, as they ever are it seems! The Friday was so sunny, I wandered around alone, in the gentle breeze, my red dress blowing, my smile radiating to the passers by (some even remarking on it positively!), it was, beautiful! Then the other days weren't...
Friday I spent the day wandering of my own volition, without a plan, just enjoying the walk and the weather (glorious sun!). Saturday I had Mat for company, the weather wasn't as pleasant, and his plans weren't so well thought out (excursions to busy outdoor areas of town, when we two hate crowds and in the rain an' all!). He'd convinced himself before I came, that Friday would be my best day, without him, and the rest would be miserable. I feel like this served as some self-fulfilling prophecy, where he convinced himself of something and then forced it to be realized!
I feel like I can talk of these things now, over a month later (and a lot longer in the case of what follows), they've been weighing on my mind of late...
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm experiencing a sort of regression into darker days. I have been for the last two years. There was a period in the latter part of 2010, where I weaned myself off the SSNRI's and hormone pills I was taking. Where I wasn't "happy", but I was normal, feeling things again. I lived with S, there weren't any men on the scene, I still had my ups and downs, but I didn't contemplate suicide seriously and I hadn't self-harmed in a while.
In the beginning of 2011, my final year in uni, with the stress of my dissertation over, and a job with the ONS as a census collector lined-up (it was a big win for me as I'd never had a "proper" job before that, I'd never needed one really, plus I was supremely lacking in self-confidence and additionally wasn't one of those teens who went into town every Saturday to buy brand-name clothes and McDonalds. I babysat for my cousins (and delivered The Evening Post before that) and used the £ to buy volumes of the Taschen Basic Art series, cool cat yo!), things were lookig ok. I felt so capable as a human finally, that I made a somewhat rash decision to take my first trip in an aeroplane with someone I seemed to get on with but hadn't really spent a lot of time alone with.
I talked of it some here, and I won't go into detail except to say that that man seemed to get some pleasure from attacking me personally, and bringing me to tears, all the while disguising it under the veil of "useful advice/home-truths" thus ensuring my emotional reaction served as proof of my immaturity.
I'm only mentioning this because the more I think about my steady spiral downwards (bad decisions, bad relationship choices, slow/steady weight gain, my moving further and further from S, the more I realise it coincided with my final months of university, seemed to kick-start on my return from Morocco... Sadly things deteriorated as university moved further behind me in time, my zeal for the future waned, and I met a lovely man. Mateusz is the best human I've ever had the good fortune and pleasure of knowing intimately. It's a shame that our journey together was strained and finally broken by life's uncertainties and inevitabilities. The inability in finding secure, semi-pleasant work, and the certainty that we need any employ in order to survive, as respective examples.
(So there, that was my 100th post)