I added a normal, friendly birthday brick on the "wall".
All such innocuous platitudinal lines were "liked" bar mine.
I sent S a message to say I had looked.
I shouldn't have bothered her with my look but I did.
Really I shouldn't (have) look(ed).
Maybe S thought I was drunk.
I could well have been.
I wasn't though.
She understands it. I love her.
Ah, all that felt deflating, so, no more looking.
I wonder what that mechanism is though, the sensation, physical, real, that reacts to such stimulus.
What's the weight, the pang just above abdomen, almost in the chest, when the thought crosses the mind? "He didn't want me"...
What purpose does that reaction serve? That wave that could break you.
The scent of panic.
He didn't want you.
There is nothing you can do to alter the fact that you weren't enough for a person you wanted to be enough for.
The irretrievably lost.
A deep, deep disappointment.
You have to physically shrug it off.
Up Helen Doesn't Look Down...
There is nothing you can do.
Nothing will cut it.
Cutting wills not.
Osi (dear-departed ex-lecturer) said words (on drawing)to the effect of; kid, everything you do in this life is a failure, you just have to keep trying and become more successful with your failings.
Well Os, that was a cracker!
(Ill-Drawn out)Intensely condensed, canned like milk soon to be evaporated.
I'm ok though, really, I'm a decent one.
I received this recently, after thanking her for sticking by me all these years, from that much loved S; "You're easier to love than you seem to think brah so no thanks necessary."
Earlier (around this time), from another fine human I've had the pleasure of knowing, this;
The way I remember you, you're a person of two extremes, your lows seem to be characterised by being as hard on others as you are on yourself. In your highs you're so breathtakingly delightful that I loved in a matter of days. Up Helen is more than worth Down Helen for those who have the emotional resilience to support themselves and you through the bleak times.
Everything is "ok".
It's not the end of anything.
Notwithstanding, I feel...