Friday, 1 May 2015


Ok, so, to continue the tradition of the past few months (that's Ionawr, Chwefror, Mawrth and Ebrill) I'm organising last year's months, visually, maybe because the person I spent a great deal of last year's days with is no longer in my life... A very slight summation. That being written, it seems May was a month spent mostly solitarily on my part. I visited Sophie a couple of times as I was working in Cardiff at various Caffe Neros, I also got to know Joaninha Gomes, a bloody awesome human (She's in one of the pictures in my amazing women chart from International Women's day, walking along the beach and also in a polaroid, in a hat, in profile, beautiful - here)!

May 2nd - Cardiff

May 3rd - Cardiff. For a short while it was quite nice having a reason to get out of bed in the morning, something to take a break away from, with a book in a sunny city park. That week I read Man Ray's Self-Portrait and it was engrossing!

May 5th - Cardiff

9th May - Cardiff

Tuesday 13th May - Cardiff

Saturday 17th May - Cardiff. Despite being a weekend and having to work in a busy little city centre caf, the light was so good, the people so kind, that I had a lovely day. Complete with cleansing fire in the garden at home, just me and the dog.

Sunday 18th May - Cycle to Mumbles from Ystradgynlais

Tuesday 20th May - Arts Alive Wales interview day, 2 buses to Crickhowell and 2 back home to Ystradgynlais! The interview went well, we joked about my recent cycle injuries, arts background and desire to learn more about youth work through arts workshops and community arts projects. All very positive, but, the following Friday (23rd) I found out that they had decided to employ someone with specific admin experience using a new tech system that they'd recently acquired as an organisation but didn't know how to use yet, despite my being "most aligned with their values".

Thursday 22nd May, got the bus home from Fforestfach (-work- new caffe opened there the following day) early in time to vote at the church hall. This coming Thursday, 7th May 2015 I'm sad not to be voting in this musty old wooden room.

Sunday 25th May, a long cycle to work, hands still grazed, chest-infection in full swing and plenty of spring showers! That was a hard days caffe work after 15+ miles cycle there and another 15 back home to look forward to through the course of the shift. That was my last shift with Caffe Nero.

The white Buzzard

Monday 26th May - My grandparent's house. I decided to spend the night there to get some peace and a sense of safety. Despite their being away at the time, that house itself, has a calming effect.

Tuesday 27th May - Ystradgynlais. After quitting the cafe I felt this duty to better organise myself and try to be more artistically expressive, which essentially culminated in more nocturnal walking and taking some photos of pieces lying around my bedroom...

31st May - a walk to Glanrhyd from Ystradgynlais.

So much has changed since last May, a month ago my cousin Rebecca (also appearing in the International Women's day tribute post) gave birth to a baby boy who I've yet to meet, unfortunately - but soon!
After moving to Cardiff at the beginning of this year, with a new job as an intern, determined to make my dwindling youth count on the back of an Autumn abortion, having lost contact with Joaninha for a few months while I was living at home and looking for work, having a Facebook break to ease low self-esteem, I was really trying to seek her out again. I had an address and a number, but, my letters went un-replied and the phone seemed inactive. I was worried my clinical-confession-correspondence had put her off me (as is a normal fear for people who felt they had to make the decision to terminate, despite its being the right decision for them(/me - jobless, living at home, in a very up-and-down relationship, hormones going crazy) I couldn't help but panic and break out in a sweat, convinced others I loved would think ill of me). When I moved to Cardiff I finally plucked up the courage to go and visit her flat. After a few gins at least. It was a really emotional day, Tim and I had had a huge argument, he severing all ties yet again(!). 
I needed to be anchored to good people, someone I had had a real pure connection with, a woman with whom I fell in love with the first day we met. She wasn't there, nobody was, but, I left a letter and a time and date for a rendez-vous. Preparing for that blind not-quite-date was incredibly sapping. Notwithstanding, after waiting for an hour, resigned to a no-show, I walked for 8 miles before dragging my aching body homeward, defeated.
After that I racked my brains for a name or number, a person she had been friends with, who might have an idea of her whereabouts. Even if she didn't want to see me, I needed to know for sure. Fear and doubt!
Well, my super-creep's memory didn't fail me. I messaged a woman on facebook whose name I vaguely recalled in relation to Jo. Yesterday I received a reply. She is back in Portugal, currently without a phone and no facebook. The reason? She is about to be a mother!! 
To a baby girl apparently!
So... madness, the wheel turning, part of me thinks (actually yearns even), if only I had decided to keep that mass of developing cells inside me. Even before now, the thought of bringing up a child with someone like Jo seemed rather beautiful. Of course reality was different. Tim wouldn't have been ok with that, and maybe it would have been weird for everyone else too, though, we did talk about it a few times (a Portuguese farm with my ladybird, music and paint and love!). How odd that I would have been coming to "full term" around about now. A month after my cousin, a matter of weeks before Jo. I wish those courageous women every luck and all my love. I love them. Wishing I were as good as they. 

For now, must keep trying to be a better human. 

Must. Try. Harder.