Wednesday, 7 August 2013

"It ain't easy being green, that red fire makes you mean"

These are all photographs of me taken by children aged 7-10, in early Summer 2011.
I've been thinking a lot of guilt, and how it sometimes comes from an idea that there's a negative discrepancy between the way others perceive you and the self you actually are most of the time... Would reconciling those selves alleviate a sense of guilt? Or is the idea itself that you have a handle not only on how others perceive you, but also on your own ability to morph character or personality, entirely preposterous? When these photographs were taken, I was a teacher, for a short while, but teacher nevertheless. For a time last year I was also in a position of educative authority to an extent. I think guilt in and of this arena comes from a feeling of not being worth enough to be imparting anything to other souls. How can  I advise others when I can't 'get it right' myself.













By 'get it right' I'm referring to being a decent human, not a hypocritical misanthropic deviant. Guilt comes from feeling wrong, faulty somehow... Soiled...
I was familiar with Pornography from a relatively young age from what I gather from female peers, about 10, I remember seeing my first video not too long after that. Masturbation and fantasising inevitably ensue such things, or occur naturally, who is to say. I vividly remember covertly watching one particular video regularly (whenever the house was empty, I did't have a bedroom door for a long time, none of us did, it wasn't punishment reserved solely for me!)at the age of 13. As a teen I wasn't appealing, and though I longed for contact, hormonally I craved it, an outlet, a realisation of elaborate fantasy, I never had an outlet. I wasn't asked out by a man until I was 19 years of age, and that was by some vaguely creepy fellow bus passenger. You can imagine the frustration in such an existence I'm sure dear (and by now quite uncomfortable?) reader.

I read this blog post from the Rage Against the Manchine blog about a year ago. I was going through a difficult time in my relationship with M, we both were, for various reasons of internal character and external upheaval, but a fair bit of our difficulties seemed to stem from problematic matters of a sexual nature. At the time I had lost interest in sex basically. I was uneasy with the whole thing, so I came across the blog post on Pornography during my quest for answers to my problems, namely, why wasn't I satisfied with sex. I can't sum up an entirely well put together entry, no justice would be done and frankly if anyone is interested they should follow the link above and have a look themselves. At the time I'd been reading "A Room of One's Own" and was resentful towards M for many reasons, some justified some wholly not so, so finding the article then was prime timing.
It helped somewhat in demystifying the inner mechanisms of Pornography's effect on life that aren't discussed at large but do actually affect people and so deserve to be brought to light and probed further (...what of it?!).

On her blog there's a really worthwhile series on Pornography, the link above leads to the part about Pornography's detrimental effects on relationships. I do agree that consuming pornography (I have no idea why I'm veering between upper and lower case Ps, or why I can't decide on either 'effect' or 'affect', anybody..?) changes expectations, even if we will ourselves devoid of expectations all together, it's quite impossible not to expect anything in relation to your sex-life. In terms of embarking on a new sexual encounter or approaching sex with a long term partner I mean, it's difficult not to have an in-built idea of how it might likely be, how you'd like it to be, etc.,.

I'm writing all this out, and doing a good job of muddying any ideas of clarity I had prior to my actual typing, because I've been trying to figure out what went wrong in my last relationship, you know, that learning from your mistakes, taking things on board, letting things go, that stuff.. I haven't come upon any concrete reasons yet, certainly not in terms of the sexual questions. I have semi-uncovered one possible reason, or a major contributor in my consistently present and prevailing sense of guilt. I feel I can broach the subject now, since I've recently started to masturbate with the frequency I used to, after quite a hiatus.

























I feel terrible that I sometimes watch pornography when I think on all it's negative effects, exploitation of female participants, casual degradation of the female and her virtually non-existant sexual identity separate to man's. I think that's mainly why I tended to prefer female-less visuals when I did view. Since most female-female material is so completely directed to fit the weird desires of males that seemed so unbearably false, exploitative, degrading etc., etc., 
Anyway why watch anything at all, why not use your vivid imagination Jones?! A few reasons Jones, the main being I don't like thinking of my hideous body in relation to anyone else's, I don't enjoy the sight of my nude flesh, it's not exciting, it's depressing. Secondly sometimes I just don't want the guilt that comes with (even accidentally) imagining someone you know, even remotely, vaguely, in a sexual scenario in the imagination, for masturbatory purposes...
So many layers of guilt, un-satisfied expectations and self-esteem problems, little wonder we had difficulties!

Why am I writing this...? Well, to cleanse I suppose. I don't want to keep making big mistakes, I don't want to settle either. I've stopped viewing my satisfaction-actualization-lack as a personal disability. I don't have to accept not being satisfied. I'm sure I can get there someday. Positivity.

I found this video the other day after searching for "female friendly" videos online. It made me feel good. So good that for the past two Sundays I've not mis-spent a good couple of hours enjoying it. I especially love the couch spooning. I even tolerate the opening acting, I think the convincing good times those two get along with cancel out any simulated setting-scene. I'm no fan of the shouty female, but at least it's not constant, only when she appears to climax, I also get the giggly thing at times by my own hand. I love that they're both normal to a point too, not stylised or artificially sculpted. Lastly, an enthused and vocal man of passion is just too arousing to phrase.















I don't know what to conclude with, I guess it's just hard being two things, a sexual base and hedonistic being, and trying to be gentle, and kind, together, a good feminist. I like these children's disposable snapshots, sometimes of me caught unawares, there's something real in them that I don't often allow or offer up for inclusion in photographs that I'm conscious are being taken. Always better to give than take. I'm listening to Gonzales' Solo Piano 2 album and I don't want to die, so, that's a good departure point for now.






"Do not go gentle into that goodnight, rage, rage against the dying of the light."