So last week I went for an interview with Virgin Media in Swansea, the sun shone, the rain held back, the thing itself was fine, and I've been offered a job, OK.
That was Wednesday. Thursday I did the Skype interview thing for this place, and Tuesday coming I've got a trial day with them up in Denbigh. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I don't know what I did. I do know I wasn't feeling great. Some in my family aren't really supportive of my desire to move elsewhere for creative work that I would potentially (most likely) enjoy a whole load more than working faceless in a call centre for a giant company. Though I guess they also put more import on money over health and generally believe that "life is shit and then you die".
Monday I had to get out of the village once again, I walked 6ish miles to Pontardawe and caught the bus to Neath (bit of a change!) and proceeded to Cardiff by train.
I'm quite unfeeling at present, but even at my lowest times I can't quite accept that that's all there is to life. Money and dying. I think that's probably why I get so low, I know, or feel that I know there's more to life than worrying about breaking even each month or trying and failing to save money. I certainly know there's more to life than human feelings. People, around here at least, seem so narrow and set on blighting anyone who dares to show a little optimism or curiosity (they are weird, odd, naive etc., ) "we don't do what we love, why should you?!" type attitude, unspoken but certainly felt. There's never been a reach for the stars feeling in my family, the stars being health and generosity of spirit I guess, not financial gain, more a sort of "reach for the stars and fall on your gullible arse".
It was crisp and cold in Cardiff, actually more pleasant than the damp and muggy valley.
The bright twilight sky was welcoming, the sounds of the city intriguing. I set off to buy Gluten-Free Vegan pancake ingredients for the morning (Feb 12th). Buckwheat flour, Egg replacer, Hazelnut 'milk', brown sugar, and some very reasonable fruit that was being hawked at close of day. We made Vegan Gluten-Free carrot cake too (with Vegan cream 'frosting' I guess it's called), drank tea, watched The Avengers before bed, you know, simple, non-negative, nay, good times!
Soph took me to Roath park for a chilly picnic (savory spiced pancakes, hummus, broccoli, carrots and a green lentil and tomato 'thing'). There were birds, ducks, people actually using the park despite the chill, and we had a little walk and talk. This is one of the reasons I wither when I'm not with her (I smell a song brewing!). I don't have anyone else I can enjoy easy conversation with. Anyone that I can go for a wander with and enjoy indulgent and guilt-free tasty snacks with (in a cafe, hiding at the back out of sight). I wouldn't say other half because she's not so different, more like the same half, but better. In university people would often (oddly, we're not identical) confuse us for the same person, and we'd joke that together we were just one person, so apart we must be half. Half a good person? I can live with that.
I made my way back to Swansea Tuesday night, to meet Mat off the bus from London, he's come over from Poland. Wednesday I made Apple and Cinnamon pancakes for my parents and M, because they'd missed out the previous day, and I had gluten-free flour that needed using. With maple syrup and fresh berries they were pretty damn fine. I seem however, to be slightly intolerant to starch (having consumed a great quantity of it over the previous few days - Gluten-Free flours tend to have extra added starch because the Gluten isn't there to bind things together, plus a Vegan alternative to Egg is generally a mixture of starches and gums). So, no more refined goods for my gut it seems. Oh body, why do you crave that which ails you so?
I can't believe it's Friday night already, I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I remember this morning, I don't hate morning as a concept, I just hate the daylight somehow. Not that you could call gray clouds 'light'. I don't know why it should be that I feel more at ease at night. It's as if my mind stuff, ideas, thoughts and feelings, in comparison with the inky black surroundings, shine a little brighter, seem more enlightened, possible, visible...
But in the cold cold light of day everything is stupefyingly dimmed. Why?
Why should my body not want to leave the house? To stay awake the night through and sleep the days? To consume foods which hurt my insides? These are things I know are bad, my body knows them too. My body is an illogical entity. My body is a beautiful chaotic universe.