Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Forget to remember


I forgot to mention earlier, I woke a few days ago to a wonderful message. A friend and reader, grateful for my words and images, encouraging my strength in the face of my melancholy. I just want to thank my friend, before leaping into another note (written into my phone while M slept beside me) made on a weekend trip, over three weeks ago, to the city of Wroclaw. 





Here it is.

4.09 - nausea - headache.
I can't sleep since 1, before that 12-1. Tomorrow may be difficult. 

When we're young children staying up all night is some great endurance test, some massive feat. 
When I was 18 I thought I'd need to sit up all night, thinking, that I might know myself in some true way.
Beyond good and evil on the bedside.
Solitude and Solipsism, chicken and egg.
An experiment I conducted in my parental home, a school night with a little codeine.
Touch too much.
It started well. Much thought, drawing, music, existential theses- external.





At around 3.40, I had decided time to quit my game. Not feeling I knew me any deeper I questioned whether or not this giving in was some Psychodynamic  defense mechanism; was my unconscious reluctant to reflect for me, reveal?
Assured I'd be deeply traumatized by the extent of my own evil? Leading to our ending us both?

I couldn't quit any longer it seemed.

No further illumination try as we might - despite much rumination and toil that early-morned night.





At 5.30 I readied myself for Uni. Foundation of course.
By the light of our tele-vision.
Top cat.
Coffee for an unaccustomed consumer.
Stop that.
Shakes.
7.16 bus. Crit today. Doom. Long and wrong night for self-soul searching.
Bella
World service
Migraine and tears
I want to die
Real-life death
Revelations




Revilations

My parents are worried
My parents, thank you for being present.



Presents

My dad picks me up
Con verseations
Afternoon sleep
Apologies and assurances
Night
Sleep
Day

More mistaken pills for a future three-year.

4.36
Nausea no longer
Head 
My Satie playlist has ceased
Sleep?

Sleep





Sleep

Have any of you 5 readers any similar searching sleepless scenes to share?

I want you and yours

Engrave our darknesses into our lights.


Don't let's go gentle into that greatnight, rage, rage against the dying of our light.






Goodnight